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Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier (Part 4)
/in Sharpening Your Personal Leadership Skills/by Tom DoescherTom Doescher
Family — These are the people we’re given in our lives and generally don’t choose (except our spouses).
Friendship — This is the bond with people we love deeply but who aren’t our kin. According to the 80-year Harvard study that I’ve blogged about in the past, the healthiest and happiest people at age 80 tend to have had a few special relationships at age 50.
Work — Meaningful work is our primary daily toil; it creates value in our lives and in the lives of others, in the marketplace (whether paid or as a volunteer), in the home, or in all three. Job satisfaction and life satisfaction are positively correlated.
Faith — This doesn’t mean a specific religion; rather, it’s a shorthand term for having a transcendent view and approach to life.
Here are a few takeaways from the book for each category:
Family
1. Don’t read minds — or, as Don Miguel Ruiz taught us in his book “The Four Agreements,” don’t assume you know. Ask and listen.
2. The authors provide some great, practical advice regarding selecting a spouse.
3. Avoid chronic negativity.
4. Ask for forgiveness and forgive others.
5. Tell the truth (Editorial comment: In love.)
6. Never give up. Giving up is almost always a mistake.
Friendship
1. Know thyself and get to know your friends.
2. The authors spend a fair amount of time suggesting that most people only have a few real friends. They don’t count all our superficial relationships.
3. Recognize your attachments/idols.
4. Be committed to humility.
Work
1. Meaningful work that raises your happiness doesn’t mean finding a specific job with a lot of prestige or income.
2. Get satisfaction from your accomplishments and see meaning in your efforts.
3. Think of your work as service to others.
4. People who struggle with workaholism can easily deny that it’s a problem.
Editorial comment: I believe that, in my second career, I’ve been able to truly integrate my life. I don’t believe my work is my identity, but it’s a significant element to me fulfilling my life’s purpose to Love God, Love People. In the last decade, I’ve been able to use my business knowledge and connections to help hundreds of people, including disadvantaged minorities. I’ve never experienced so much joy (I prefer the word joy to happiness).
Faith
1. In particular, Brooks has a deep knowledge of the major world religions and even speaks to atheism. I won’t even attempt to summarize his thoughts.
2. Editorial comment: I believe that at the inner core of all of us is a spirit, or soul, or whatever you want to label it. To me, it’s the “command center” that drives our behaviors and causes us to do this and not that. It’s at the root of our actions. Over the years, I’ve shared my Christian beliefs with people all over the world. Often I would say, “This is what I believe and base my life on. What do you believe?”
Hopefully this provides you with enough information to perform a self-assessment of your life and, if necessary, a course correction.
Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier (Part 3)
/in Sharpening Your Personal Leadership Skills/by Tom DoescherTom Doescher
The Four Idols framework says everyone is driven by the pursuit of one (or more) of the following idols: money, power, pleasure, and fame. According to Brooks, we make most of our daily decisions based on the worship of our idol. The downside: As we strive to get “closer” to our idol, we find ourselves on an endless chase for more. We incorrectly assume that this chase will lead us to the promised land of happiness. Brooks and Winfrey say we don’t need to reject our idol; the goal is to develop a conscious awareness of our own idol — to become aware of what’s motivating and driving us, and to understand the separation between this chase and our lifelong pursuit of fulfillment and happiness.
The Four Idols exercise is simple: Use the process of elimination to identify your primary idol. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with any of these idols; they’re perfectly natural. The key is to become aware of your idol, to understand the role and influence it has in your decision-making and life, and to realize that chasing this idol won’t lead to happiness on its own. By using what you learned about metacognition in my last blog, you will become aware of your idol and possibly modify your behavior just by being more aware of it.
To make this understandable, when I listened to Tim Ferriss interview Brooks, I realized that my idol is a version of fame. I seek to be a recognized, respected business advisor to owner-operated businesses. I’m not hoping to see my name in The Wall Street Journal or Crain’s Detroit Business, but I’d like to be well-known by the business owners in my network.
What is your idol, and how much striving to attain it is actually starving you of true happiness? You’ll find out more about the authors’ categories for happiness in my next blog.
Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier (Part 2)
/in Sharpening Your Personal Leadership Skills/by Tom DoescherTom Doescher
Here are some of my takeaways related to metacognition:
1. Say your last performance review at work was substantially positive, filled with lots of compliments and pats on the back. But then there was that one mild criticism (a little thorn among the roses). That’s what you focus on, right? Guilty as charged.
2. According to the authors, our “sensitivity to negative bias” is too high.
3. Brain scientists have proven that gratitude raises our positive emotions.
4. Cicero wrote that gratitude is not only the greatest — but it is also the parent — of all the other virtues.
5. Humor/laughter is serious business for blocking any negative affect.
6. There’s a word for believing you can make things better without distorting reality. That word isn’t optimism; it’s “hope.” (Editorial comment: One of my many goals is to be a realistic optimist.)
7. Empathy can make things worse for you. Empathy is mentally putting yourself in the suffering person’s shoes to feel their pain. Although evidence suggests that empathy really can reduce other people’s burdens, this relief comes at a cost to the empathetic person. (Editorial comment: Guilty as charged. The authors recommend “Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion,” by Paul Bloom. I’ve added it to my reading list.)
8. The authors also recommend practicing compassion, which is defined as recognizing suffering, understanding it, and feeling empathy for the sufferer — but also tolerating the uncomfortable feelings they and the suffering person are experiencing and, crucially, acting to alleviate the suffering. (Editorial comment: Since I suffer from misguided empathy, I’m not sure I completely understand this advice, but I’m hoping the book referred to in No. 7 will help me get there.)
To summarize, the authors recommend that you focus on gratitude, humor, hope, and compassion.