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Do You Have a Growth Mindset?

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Tom Doescher

Tom Doescher

In March, Barbara and I attended the Precision Metal Forming Association Annual Meeting. I have to say it was like attending a class reunion; we shared so many wonderful memories and had a chance to reconnect with some very successful business owners. The keynote speaker was Dr. Amber Selking, a mental performance coach, and she told many motivating stories. She’s a disciple of Carol Dweck, a Stanford University professor who coined the phrase “Growth Mindset.” I’ve written about Dweck before and have found that she may be the most quoted name in many of the books that I’ve read in the past decade.

I would highly recommend reading her book, “Winning the Mental Game.” She has worked with Brian Kelly, a former head coach at Notre Dame who’s now at Louisiana State University, and his football players. The foreword to her book is written by one of my favorite people, Lou Holtz.

I’ll keep this post brief and share three questions that Dr. Selking uses with all her athlete and business executive clients:

  1. Why am I doing what I’m doing? (Purpose)
  2. What do I want to accomplish from doing this? (Goals)
  3. How do I want to be remembered? (Legacy)

I know what you’re saying: “Not another list!”

In my humble opinion, no matter who you are, if you can succinctly answer these three questions, and then align your daily behaviors to match/achieve them, you’ll win your personal Super Bowl.

One of my favorite writers, Matthew Kelly, likes to challenge his readers to become “the best version of themselves.” I think he would love Dr. Selking’s three questions.

The Anxious Generation (Gen Z)

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Tom Doescher

Tom Doescher

“The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness” is the title of a new book written by Jonathan Haidt. The book was recently recommended to me by my daughter-in-law, Kristen. Haidt is an NYU professor, and his 300-page groundbreaking book sounds the alarm concerning the negative impact of social media on children. I found this YouTube video interview of Haidt, which will provide an executive summary of his book.

If you’re a parent or grandparent of pre-teens, I would highly recommend watching the YouTube video, and then you can decide if you want to read the book. I know of a wonderful mom and dad whose children are all in counseling with chronic issues that never made sense to me until I read this book.

Here are the sound bites that really hit me:

  1. Haidt believes parents are overprotecting their pre-teens in real-world activities, and underprotecting them in virtual world (online) activities.
  2. He makes a very compelling case that in 2010, pre-teens began to experience the Great Rewiring as a result of the easy accessibility of social media on their cell phones.
  3. He uses the expressions “Play-Based Childhood” (which is what I had the privilege of experiencing growing up) and “Phone-Based Childhood.”
  4. Prior to writing this book, Haidt was already warning parents that they were being overly protective of their children and it was negatively affecting their development. In this book, he provides some pretty clear evidence for his position, including the detrimental effects on the natural maturing of the brain.
  5. He provides several charts showing the dramatic change in children’s:
    • Daily time with friends.
    • Sleep habits (50 percent of pre-teen girls get less than seven hours of sleep per night).
    • Rates of depression (currently at 30 percent for pre-teen girls) and anxiety.
    • Increased self-harm and suicide rates.
  6. He summarizes his concerns in these four Harms:
    • Social Deprivation: Children need a lot of time to play with each other, face to face, to foster social development skills.
    • Sleep Deprivation: During puberty the brain is rewiring itself even faster than it did in the years before puberty, and sleep is essential.
    • Attention Fragmentation: It’s hard for adults to stay committed to one mental road, but it’s far more difficult for an adolescent, who has an immature frontal cortex and therefore a limited ability to say “No.”
    • Addiction: Our good friend dopamine is provided by online screen time and it’s very hard to resist. It’s a well-known fact that tech/social media executives shield their own children from social media because they’re aware of the dangers to children.
  7. Haidt provides some shocking data about boys spending significant time in the virtual online world with video games and pornography.
  8. He recommends parents provide children under age 16 with flip phones versus smartphones.
  9. Haidt recommends four critical ways that tech companies and governments can improve the virtual world for adolescents:

    • Assert a Duty of Care (currently there’s nothing built into social media platforms to protect children.)
    • Raise the Age of Internet Adulthood to 16.
    • Place the Burden of Age Verification on the Tech Companies.
    • Encourage Phone-Free Schools.

There are antagonists who dispute Haidt’s position by saying there’s a correlation but not a causation related to pre-teens’ mental health and social media. However, the skeptical side of me would suggest that the tech/social media companies are probably financing biased research, and no one has suggested an alternative cause for the mental health epidemic.

Although Haidt provides significantly more ideas for parents and teachers, I’ll stop now and pray that if you have pre-teens, you’ll invest the time to at least watch the podcast. Then, if you want more details, read the book; it includes lots of independent data and research from the U.S. and other Western countries.

Tribute to Dan Steiner – The Ultimate Coach

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Tom Doescher

Tom Doescher

On April 24, 2024, I lost my tennis coach, Dan Steiner.

Photo of Coach Dan Steiner with Tom and others on the tennis court.

I played a lot of tennis for over 3 decades after college. As a beginner I took a few basic lessons, but then I just played. Because I was athletic, I was okay but not great. Due to a lack of the proper stretching, in 2010 I was unable to serve properly and retired from tennis. Several years later, I met a physical therapist/trainer who worked with me to rehab my broken body. And to my delight was able to play tennis again.

In 2021 ten years after my tennis retirement, I met Dan Steiner at Ascension Genesys Health Club in his Skills & Drills Class. He was about my age but in amazing shape. Over time I would observe his workout/exercise routine which seemed to last most of the day, and it included both general physical conditioning and also hitting thousands of tennis balls with the ball machine.

Dan was the real deal. He was a tennis scientist. He had coached many successful high school tennis players over the years. He would spend hours understanding tennis biomechanics and he studied all the great players online. So, my classmates and I were the beneficiaries of his deep tennis knowledge. He would videotape us, watch the video at home, and then offer suggestions at our next class.

He instructed us as if we were teenagers with a lot of years ahead of them, and young bodies with high potential. I won’t mention the other students, but I am in my eighth decade. Dan Steiner treated me like I was 16 years old. He behaved with me like I had a lot of potential. However, I was very skeptical. In high school, I was referred to as a “coach’s ball player”, which I guess meant that I would listen to my coach and attempt to do what he told me to do.

Well, over the months I experienced a gradual improvement in my game. Then one day, Dan told us he was going to have heart valve surgery, but would be back, which he was. And then sadly the pancreatic cancer was discovered. He was in and out of chemo treatments with serious side effects and pain, that he never complained about unless we asked him. Almost every Tuesday and Thursday at 10am, he was court side to instruct us. As the months went by, one of the other coaches, Ben, would hit the balls to us, while Dan would provide the teaching and correction to our strokes.

The picture above was his last day of instruction in late February 2024. Ben was hitting the balls that day, but Dan physically put my arm into the correct position to hit a proper serve.

So, Doubting Thomas learned how to play the best tennis, including ground strokes, serve, and net game, that he has ever played. Most of you have probably never played tennis. When you hit your ground strokes correctly there is a “popping” sound. Today because of Dan Steiner, this old guy’s ground strokes make that beautiful sound.

Dan Steiner was truly an extraordinary coach who believed you could do things you doubted. I will forever be thankful for my second chance at tennis and my special coach and friend, Dan Steiner.

Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier (Part 5)

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Tom Doescher

Tom Doescher

This is my fifth and final blog based on the recent book and podcast from Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey, “Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier.” In this final post, I’ve elected to save a concept that Brooks calls the “reverse bucket list.”

Most of us have some sort of bucket list. Whether it’s a literal scrap of paper or just a mental inventory, just about everyone has a checklist of experiences and accomplishments they hope to achieve before their time here on earth is up. That makes sense. When we think of how to improve our lives, our first impulse is generally to add things: I’d be happier if my career were going better; a trip to Hawaii would really improve things; everything would be different if I could find a good relationship.

There’s only one problem with this approach — science suggests it tends to backfire.

Having goals is a great way to accomplish the kinds of big ambitions that give life meaning. No one says waiting around on the couch for the universe to do what it will with you is the route to fulfillment. But a mountain of research shows that when you reach your goals, they’re likely to only bring you momentary joy. After a brief high, dissatisfaction creeps in and we start to crave the next thing on the list.

Psychologists call this the “hedonic treadmill.” The rest of us just understand that however much you fantasize about that giant TV, fancy promotion, or glamorous vacation, as soon as you get it, you start eyeing an even bigger screen, the next rung up the ladder, or another exotic locale.

How do you get off this treadmill and find lasting peace of mind? Brooks has taken a deep dive into what truly makes us happy, drawing not just on the latest research but also the wisdom of Thomas Aquinas, Buddha, and that modern sage, Mick Jagger. Based on his research, he offers a simple, practical suggestion: Swap your traditional bucket list for something he dubs a “reverse bucket list.”

Others have used the term “reverse bucket list” before, but Brooks describes exactly what he means by the term as follows: “Each year on my birthday, I list my wants and attachments — the stuff that fits under Thomas Aquinas’s categories of money, power, pleasure, and honor. I try to be completely honest. I don’t list stuff I would actually hate and never choose, like a sailboat or a vacation house. Rather, I go to my weaknesses, most of which — I’m embarrassed to admit — involve the admiration of others for my work,” he writes.

Next, Brooks imagines what his life would look like in five years if he was truly happy and successful — if he was living up to his values and experiencing a sense of psychological peace. The final step is to compare the two lists side-by-side. Would the things he craves actually bring him closer to his vision of the good life?

The point of this exercise isn’t to extinguish your dreams. People often regret not traveling more or starting a business later in life. Running that marathon can be just as good for your self-confidence as it is for your heart. Well-considered goals are great, but you should know why you dream what you dream, and a reverse bucket list can help.

If an item is on your bucket list because it lines up with your deepest desires and values, keep it. If it’s there to impress the neighbors or feed an amorphous and unquenchable need for “success” or validation, onto the reverse bucket list it goes.

When scientists ask people to solve problems of all kinds, their first impulse is to add elements. They think a new feature, additional rule, or extra ingredient will improve the final outcome. Recent research, however, indicates that subtraction is often the better route.

Brooks suggests that the same may be true of our lives. When we feel twinges of dissatisfaction or terror at the shortness of time, we automatically grasp for more: more money, more power, more accolades. But our twinges rarely, if ever, disappear. So instead of grasping for more, maybe take a few minutes and force yourself to consider whether the solution is actually less. Crafting a “reverse bucket list” just might bring you closer to happiness than ticking off even your most impressive bucket list item.

Editorial comment/story: In 2012, Barbara and I led a mission team of high schoolers to Guatemala. One evening a young man from the team asked me, “What’s on your bucket list?” To which I responded, “David, can I think about it and get back to you?” The next day, while we were working on our mission project, I pondered David’s question. That evening I got back to him and said, “David, I’ve been thinking about your question. I’ve lived an amazing life with so many varied, wonderful experiences, especially for a blue collar kid from a rural community. So, to answer your question, I don’t have anything on my bucket list.” I’m not saying I adopted a reverse bucket list strategy. However, as I’ve reflected on my dad’s life, he always seemed at peace with both his successes and disappointments. I think he was living out Brooks’ advice to us, and so am I. And, as you know, I am the Lucky Guy!

Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier (Part 4)

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Tom Doescher

Tom Doescher

This is my fourth post based on the recent book by Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey. In this post, I’ll share what Brooks and Winfrey propose we should focus on instead of the idols discussed in my last blog. Here are their four categories:

Family — These are the people we’re given in our lives and generally don’t choose (except our spouses).

Friendship — This is the bond with people we love deeply but who aren’t our kin. According to the 80-year Harvard study that I’ve blogged about in the past, the healthiest and happiest people at age 80 tend to have had a few special relationships at age 50.

Work — Meaningful work is our primary daily toil; it creates value in our lives and in the lives of others, in the marketplace (whether paid or as a volunteer), in the home, or in all three. Job satisfaction and life satisfaction are positively correlated.

Faith — This doesn’t mean a specific religion; rather, it’s a shorthand term for having a transcendent view and approach to life.

Here are a few takeaways from the book for each category:

Family

1. Don’t read minds — or, as Don Miguel Ruiz taught us in his book “The Four Agreements,” don’t assume you know. Ask and listen.
2. The authors provide some great, practical advice regarding selecting a spouse.
3. Avoid chronic negativity.
4. Ask for forgiveness and forgive others.
5. Tell the truth (Editorial comment: In love.)
6. Never give up. Giving up is almost always a mistake.

Friendship

1. Know thyself and get to know your friends.
2. The authors spend a fair amount of time suggesting that most people only have a few real friends. They don’t count all our superficial relationships.
3. Recognize your attachments/idols.
4. Be committed to humility.

Work

1. Meaningful work that raises your happiness doesn’t mean finding a specific job with a lot of prestige or income.
2. Get satisfaction from your accomplishments and see meaning in your efforts.
3. Think of your work as service to others.
4. People who struggle with workaholism can easily deny that it’s a problem.

Editorial comment: I believe that, in my second career, I’ve been able to truly integrate my life. I don’t believe my work is my identity, but it’s a significant element to me fulfilling my life’s purpose to Love God, Love People. In the last decade, I’ve been able to use my business knowledge and connections to help hundreds of people, including disadvantaged minorities. I’ve never experienced so much joy (I prefer the word joy to happiness).

Faith

1. In particular, Brooks has a deep knowledge of the major world religions and even speaks to atheism. I won’t even attempt to summarize his thoughts.
2. Editorial comment: I believe that at the inner core of all of us is a spirit, or soul, or whatever you want to label it. To me, it’s the “command center” that drives our behaviors and causes us to do this and not that. It’s at the root of our actions. Over the years, I’ve shared my Christian beliefs with people all over the world. Often I would say, “This is what I believe and base my life on. What do you believe?”

Hopefully this provides you with enough information to perform a self-assessment of your life and, if necessary, a course correction.

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