The Coach's Corner

Archive for July, 2020

Forgiveness

July 27th, 2020 // Tom Doescher // 1 Comment

Tom Doescher - Doescher Advisors

I’m stepping way out of my area of expertise, but one of the more common issues I observe is lack of forgiveness. I’ve found a really simple, practical summary of forgiveness and how to deal with it from a Mayo Clinic article entitled “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness.” The following are excerpts from the article, without any editorial comments:

Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. 

These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even vengeance.

But if you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:

  • Healthier relationships
  • Improved mental health
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Fewer symptoms of depression
  • A stronger immune system
  • Improved heart health
  • Improved self-esteem

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you’re unforgiving, you might:

  • Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
  • Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present
  • Become depressed or anxious
  • Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs
  • Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:

  • Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
  • Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
  • Consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor
  • Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behavior, and work to release them
  • Choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
  • Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn’t always the case, however.

Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn’t.

What if the person I’m forgiving doesn’t change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn’t the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you’ve done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.

If you’re truly sorry for something you’ve said or done, consider admitting it to those you’ve harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and ask for forgiveness — without making excuses.

Remember, however, you can’t force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

Emotional Intelligence

July 13th, 2020 // Tom Doescher //

Tom Doescher - Doescher Advisors

As I advise clients with regard to their teams, we often end up talking about a particular team member’s emotional intelligence (EI), or lack thereof. You’ve probably experienced someone who is referred to by their colleagues as a “Bull in a China Shop”; and that’s who my clients frequently want to discuss. In looking through more than 200 blog posts, I discovered I’ve never written about EI. I still remember reading Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book, Emotional Intelligence, in 1995. Although the term emotional intelligence was introduced in the 1960s, it really gained popularity with Goleman’s book. My recollection is that it was truly a WOW idea, but Goleman didn’t provide any practical tools for utilizing the concept. Since then, several consulting firms have created practical, easy-to-use tools that business owners without a psychology degree can implement in their companies.

The book/tool I use with my clients is Emotional Intelligence 2.0, written by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. When you purchase the book, you receive one online assessment code. I suggest to my clients that they first take the assessment and then refer to the book, which is structured a lot like the owner’s manual for your vehicle.

There are four skills that make up emotional intelligence: Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management. The assessment report provides a numerical score from 1 to 100, with a subjective evaluation for each of the four skills, and suggests what you should focus on.

Let’s assume your area for development is Social Awareness. You go to the “owners manual” (the book), and look up Social Awareness. It provides an executive summary of what that means, a list of strategies for improving your social awareness, and a brief write-up on each strategy. I’m currently working with a client who completed the assessment and shared the results with me. The assessment suggested development in one area, so we selected three strategics from the book and the client is now incorporating these suggestions into their daily life.

Let me give you an example from my own life. Over the years, I’ve received developmental feedback telling me that, at times, I can be very intense and direct with my communication style. If you’re my partner, Barbara, or Uncle Dan, you just tell me to “lighten up,” but others may be taken back or offended. So when I’m in a situation where my directness may manifest itself and I’m working with others who may not know me well, I try to be aware, attempt to tone down my natural tendency, and watch people’s reactions — and sometimes I need to apologize or explain my intensity. This strategy seems to be working.

If you’ve never taken an EI assessment, I would strongly recommend that you do. Then, if you have a team member who could use some help, it’s very powerful to share your assessment with them first, and then ask them to complete an assessment and share it with you.

The Advisor’s Corner

Tom DoescherYou’ll find stories from the trenches, business lessons, and pertinent questions to help you find inspiration, professional growth, and leadership savvy.

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